The leading provider

1. 01Greeting

   Weak

   Dear Sir/Madam,

   I'm not Sir or Madam, and it tells me this went to a list. A first name would have made me read on.

2. 02Subject

   Weak

   Partnership Opportunity - Revolutionise Your Sales Process

   'Revolutionise' is hype and 'Partnership Opportunity' tells me nothing about my team. I'd want something specific to my sales world, in plain words.

3. 03Delivers on the subject

   OK

   At SalesStream, we leverage cutting-edge technology to help businesses like yours streamline their sales processes

   It does talk about sales processes, but only after two lines of introduction, and there's no partnership in sight. I'd want the payoff in the first line.

4. 04About them

   Weak

   My name is Gary Pratt and I am the Business Development Manager at SalesStream Solutions

   A pleasantry, then who Gary is, then what 'we' do. I never appear. Open on something about my team and keep the introduction to a line.

5. 05Value

   Weak

   has helped hundreds of companies achieve outstanding results

   'Hundreds of companies' and 'outstanding results' are claims with nothing behind them. I learn nothing about my own sales. Give me one specific observation or number.

6. 06Personalisation

   Weak

   There's nothing about me or my company, so this could go to anyone. One real detail about my team, tied to the point, would change that.

7. 07Reason to reply

   Weak

   Please let me know a time that works for you, or feel free to book directly using my calendar link below.

   A 30-minute demo and a calendar link is a lot to ask of a stranger. A one-word question I can answer without booking anything would be easier.

8. 08Personality

   Weak

   I would love to set up a 30-minute call

   'I would love to', 'leverage', 'cutting-edge' and 'best-in-class' read like a template with nobody behind it. Write it the way you'd say it out loud.

9. 09Gets the point in 10 seconds

   Weak

   Gets the point in about 35 seconds.

   I would love to set up a 30-minute call to walk you through a…

   Takes about 35 seconds to get the point, and a buyer gives it about 10. Say what it's about and what you want in the first two lines.

10. 10Formatting

    OK

    Kind regards, Gary Pratt Business Development Manager SalesStream Solutions

    The paragraphs are short enough, but the four-line signature is heavy for a cold note, and the 'link below' isn't there. Keep the sign-off to a name and company.

Strong counts 100%, OK 50%, Weak 0%, all points equal. Point 9 is timed by a formula, not marked by the AI: the AI finds where the point and the ask land, then the reading up to there (subject included) is timed at 230 words a minute, slower for hard text. 10 seconds or less is Strong, up to 15 is OK. The full read is for information. Point 10 uses formatting checks made in code.

Your offer, your facts, your voice, cut to what a buyer needs. Anything in [square brackets] is yours to fill in: I don't make up facts.